B1G Ten Ballin’: The Gridiron Squad

WNUR’s own Greg Mroz returns with Volume 9 of his weekly column B1G Ten Ballin’:  The Gridiron Squad.

Volume 9: O Brother Where Art Thou?

O Brother Where Art Thou was a movie that redefined movie soundtracks. Although the movie is now 12 years old, the soundtrack still remains one of the most popular pieces of bluegrass music to this day. Yet while the soundtrack is awesome (check it out if you get the chance), I think the movie is more worth focusing on in this week’s Ballin. The movie tells the story of three men who escape from prison in order to help one of them, Everett (played by George Clooney) recapture the heart of his ex wife, who is engaged to the campaign manager of a racist governor candidate. Lets take a look and see which characters should be represented by which teams in this 1930s take on the Odyssey.

Everett (played by George Clooney): Everett is a sly, cunning, and smart soul, a man who is determined to get what he wants no matter what the circumstances. Now, Everett has suffered some setbacks in his life, such as practicing law without a license and losing his wife to a scumbag, but no matter what, Everett believes he is the best. That is exactly what describes the Michigan Wolverines, who despite two bad losses to Alabama and Notre Dame, have been strong in every other game this season and are on the inside track to win the Legends division. Fitzgerald Toussaint is running the ball with authority again, and with Denard Robinson finding his groove, it makes sense that Michigan will win back the hearts of the Big Ten just as Everett does with his wife. Yet, like Everett, does Brady Hoke grease his hair with Dapper Dan?

Pete (played by John Tuturro): Pete was dragged out by Everett from the chain gang with only 2 weeks left on his sentence, captured, taken back to prison, and then escaped by Everett once again. He was also thought by Delmar (you will meet him soon) to have been turned into a toad. The only team that can describe what Pete is all about is Nebraska. The Cornhuskers are up and down, been called terrible and also elite at the same time. They were essentially taken back to prison, but after their 29-28 comeback win over Northwestern, the Huskers are back in business, and more than likely going to be the ones to matchup with Michigan for the Legends division crown. That game will take place in Lincoln on Saturday, and it’s where Taylor Martinez and his team will either vault themselves to the top or be turned into a toad.

Delmar (played by Tim Blake Nelson): Delmar is simple, lacks intelligence, and is frankly quite honest. He is the third of the three to escape from the chain gang, and unlike Pete, he is with Everett the whole time, allowing Everett to plead to his wife by singing “They’re In The Jailhouse Now” during the gubernatorial fundraiser in Mississippi. Delmar is Michigan State, because this team has regressed so much from last year, and it is not adjusting to get better. The defense is good, but the offense is so bad that it doesn’t matter how good the defense is. Andrew Maxwell is not the answer, which is making their run game one dimensional. If the Spartans don’t change something fast, they will be in the jailhouse, now (look up the song it is quite good).

Tommy: Tommy is a slide guitarist who joins Everett, Pete, and Delmar along their journey and helps them record the song “I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow”. He sold his soul to the devil, but he is instrumental by using his music of getting the men pardoned. Tommy is not a big player in the grand scheme of things, but he is important enough to have influence on the situation. Penn State fits the bill for this, because they can’t compete for a Big Ten title, yet they are wreaking havoc for teams like Northwestern, who would still be in the catbird seat to win the Legends division if not for the Nittany Lions. I don’t think Matt McGloin can play the slide guitar though.

Big Dan Teague (played by John Goodman): How can you describe a one eyed bible salesman who beats the living daylights out of Everett and Delmar and then steals their money? Well, I am having some trouble doing it, so lets just go with the most evil thing we can think of, which is Ohio State. The Buckeyes are pure evil, especially now with college football’s snake oil salesman at the helm. They are good enough to squash you, but it doesn’t really matter, because they are also ineligible for the postseason. Thanks Pryor!

There you have it, some of the cast of one of my favorite movies. They all would fit in quite nicely if turned into football teams, just like Pete if he was a toad.

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