Nick Brilowski recently completed the Herculean task of compiling every Northwestern men’s basketball player’s stats in one place.  It must’ve taken incredibly long, and I advise everyone to check it out because it’s very cool.

But I immediately went somewhere else.

With a list of every men’s basketball player ever, I have been given to create the definitive Northwestern All-Name Team.  This was a labor of love.  I hope you’ll enjoy it.

Second Team All-Name

Two hard c’s (at least I assume that’s how it’s pronounced) and a z makes you an auto selection.

That name is peak stodgy Northwestern.

Who names their child William Williams?  That’s straight mean-spirited.

This name sounds like a plucky detective from a 1950’s movie.

I don’t pretend to know how to pronounce that first name, but it’s awesome.

First Team All-Name Team

IT’S A TREE STORM. LOOK OUT SHARKNADO, JIM IS COMING FOR YOUR CROWN.

Famous poet turned NU walk-on.

Famous American Idol judge got his start as an NU basketball player.  Who knew?

I am a mature adult.

Seriously.